What do you want?

So it may not seem like a life changing event that I got my allergy test results, but to me this is HUGE and has brought about so many emotions for me. First off in case you don't know, my test came back that I was allergic to: Eggs, Brewers yeast, Bananas, Corn, Dates, Garlic, Malt, Cow's Milk, Mushrooms, Spinach, Tomatoes, Wheat, and Baker's Yeast. Okay so this may seem like a small list to you, but if you look closer you will see that eggs, yeast, wheat, milk and corn are staples in most American's diet and cannot be avoided in processed foods. Well I don't eat those and had eliminated them from my diet almost entirely so what really disrupts my life are all the foods that are left. Like DATES, SPINACH, GARLIC and BANANAS! I had already had a hunch about the tomatoes and had eliminated them already. Seeing the test I felt like stomping my feet like a kid and saying "NO FAIR!" Don't get me wrong that only lasted seconds. I was so high yesterday finally knowing what my body perceives as the enemy. For two years my rash has been life altering. Constant itching, cracking, burning and pain on my hands. That's all fine. I'm pretty tough, obviously I dealt with it for many years, but when it was all for nothing? That's hard for me to deal with. Maybe eliminating all of those foods first by learning how bad they were for me was the path I was supposed to take. Maybe I would have still wanted them and felt sorry for myself, and now I have no desire for dairy or gluten. I don't know??

Now the two yeasts in there lead my doctor and I to believe I do have a candida overgrowth that has leaked into my bloodstream, and possibly leaky gut. I will have to take another $640 test to determine that for sure, but the usual suspects are there. I have a huge percentage of the symptoms and have had for nearly all of my life. If you don't know much about it you can check it out here: http://www.holistichelp.net/candida.html Now I am NOT a hypochondriac. Quite the opposite in my opinion. I deny that I have anything wrong that is bad enough to seek help for as LONG as I can. This is where the emotional part comes in. Why have I let this go on for so long affecting every aspect of my life? From my energy, my weight, my anxiety over everything, my happiness, my sleep, my health, my parenting and relationship with my husband and children? and so many other issues! Could I be a more patient mother? I work so hard at it! Why didn't I seek answers sooner? I laid in bed last night wondering how life would have been different had I sought help earlier. Would I have been easily thin? Would I have been involved in sports? Would I have sought larger goals for myself? Would I be happier? I started to get angry. Angry at doctors for giving me antibiotics. Angry at them and pharmaceutical companies for piling prescription on top of prescription for my allergies, asthma and eczema. Angry at myself for falling for it all and not being smart enough not to get duped. Worst of all angry that I had 3 raw miserable pregnancies that possibly could have been pleasant. Possibly followed by a natural birth. That's when the tears came. That is my Achilles heal. I so long for a happy pregnancy where I get to enjoy my baby growing inside of me.

Now I don't consider myself a person who regrets things. I try very hard to appreciate where my roads have lead me and never regret anything. So where is all of this anger coming from? I decided I need to turn it into something positive and fast! Who needs all of this pity? Not me! So I thought about it all day. What can I do to heal this wrong? I know I am so very grateful for this life that I have. Every moment with my boys melts my heart. I can never get enough of them. So if this journey brought me here, then I must except it and try to forget what could have been and concentrate on how to improve my life with them now. Not regret that I could have been more energetic in play with them before or less irritable to them or John. He's still here, so I guess I wasn't that bad. :)

So I want to help others by inspiring to take action to take care of themselves. If reading my feelings makes you realize you need to take care of yourself, then my learning wasn't all for nothing. Quit telling yourself it's no big deal! Quit putting your needs last! Take action and take care of yourself! Just don't give up. There are tests out there that regular doctors don't use and those tests utilize amazing science. The test I want next measures everything from your DNA to your intestinal flora.

I was sitting here talking to John tonight about my rash and I said, " I just want to feel normal..." Wait what was that? After saying those words my mind heard tires screaching to a halt! That is exactly the opposite of what I want! I don't want normal! I want so much more! Normal these days doesn't seem to look like it feels good. Look around you. So I decided to start listing off what I want for myself:

I want to be radiant and full of energy
rolling with jubilant laughter and smiles
HEALTHY in every aspect
free of all pains and itching
sharp and quick thinking
juicy!
full of life
springing out of bed in the morning rearing to go
an inspiration
blissful, cheerful, gleeful and jolly
content and peaceful
sunny, sparkling and light
walking on air!!
appreciative

So what would you put on your list?