A couple of days ago my husband John and I learned of a tragedy that happened in one of his clients, turned friends, life. Over many years of knowing this man John learned his friend had had a tortured childhood with a very critical and abusive mother. These pains followed him into adulthood and John would be his ear and confidant when he needed. John would share his own stories and help him deal with his issues. When the economy got bad this friend was forced to move home with his mother and stepfather. A decision that has changed every ones lives now, us included. He did something awful and sad. Something like I've only seen on TV documentaries. It has put John and I in shock to know we know someone who is capable of such things. We are very traumatized by it right now. Somehow when I think about it I feel his pain. I see a little boy. I see a sad, sad, little boy who was ruined. It has stirred up so many thoughts and brought me back to some reading I had done a while back on the formation of boys brains. It is hard to blame him when you know how fragile little boys are and how much power a mother has to destroy her little boys.
So of course this is a special topic to me since boys tug at the very bottom of my heart. Three of them make up my entire reason for being. Some day I may say that for girls as well but right now when I see little boys out and about I make sure to make eye contact with them and give them a smile and say hello. Why? You ask do I want to make them feel so special? Because they are so special and sometimes people tend to overlook little boys. Maybe not always but think about it. Little girls get tons of attention and sometimes little boys don't draw the same kind of attention. That in itself isn't the only reason to go around making boys feel special though, is it? Well no, there's more to it.
Everyone blames men being more violent on testosterone, but could there be more to it than a hormone? Science says so. Boys have a smaller corpus callosum, which is the part of the brain that connects the right and the left hemisphere, while girls have a larger corpus callosum. Abused little boys suffer from a 25% reduction in the corpus collosum while girls do not suffer from this problem. So what is so important about this "Corpus Collosum?" Most of us may have never even heard of this part of the brain until now. Well here's an excerpt from the article I was talking about:
This means boys actually need more love and care taking than girls as they grow up. If they do not receive enough interpersonal attention from their caretakers they suffer from damaged prefrontal cortices (self control, empathy) and from hyperactive amygdalae (fear centers), their corpus callosum is reduced further, and they have reduced serotonin levels (calming ability) and increased corticosterone production (stress hormone). All these factors make them have weak selves, reduced empathy, less control over impulsive violence and far more fears than girls.
~The Origins of War in Child Abuse by Lloyd deMause
The article is intense and goes into much detail how important it is to give boys EXTRA attention. MORE attention than girls need. More of all of it. More eye contact, more compassion, more touch and more love. Most of this responsibility lies on the woman in his life, the mother. So if you are a mother of a boy I strongly advise you to read the article in it's entirety over and over. Understand it fully. If you are a grown BOY who had nightmares of coming home from school and finding your mother gone I SUGGEST you read the article.
Here it is: Why Males Are More Violent
I didn't have the bond with John's friend that John did. I knew him and said hi, but that was about all of the opportunity I had to talk to him over the years. We were actually neighbors with him for some time in our second home. That's also where John's friendship with him grew since he would be in town for work a lot while I was out of state. I wish I would have known things back then that I know now. Just remember that you never know what people are going through. I remember a story in the book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People where a father was sitting in an airport allowing his children to act like wild animals. Finally when somebody complained he said he was sorry and that they had just left the hospital where his wife-their mother, had died. I always try to remember that when I encounter somebody having a bad day. I guess John's friend was close to the edge and we didn't know it. Had I only dared to share some things with him before. Here's what I would have said to John's friend AND all of the little boys who didn't get enough love:
I know you were not raised with unconditional love. I picture you as a little boy when your parents fought. I am so sad for you when your worst fears are realized and your mom hurts you with her words, hands or abandonment. I'm sorry you felt unwanted, unloved, and unliked. How can you give unconditional love if you don't know what it feels like. Little boys also need more care and understanding when they are young and your father was too hard on you. Raising you to be tough but emotionally destroying you.. I'm so sorry your mom left you and made you feel insignificant. So, so sorry. I just want to hold that little boy, look in his eyes and make him feel loved. You are special and you are important.
That all may seem silly to some but I think a lot of men may need to hear those things. Maybe even you reading this? I'm not sure where it all came from except my heart. :) Who knows. Remember kindness can change the world. :)
“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” — Leo F. Buscaglia
I leave you with a tune by Dusty Springfield. It's easy! Just hold him and kiss him and squeeze him! Just show hi that you care.
